Good evening world. I went to Rhema Bible School just now to sit in for one of the sessions. I definitely want to study there... (Yes, me, Daryl wants to study the bible and learn more about God) There is so much excitement when I went there. The trouble is, I still have to study in Polytechnic... I probably won't quit school so I'll have to finish poly first. But I'll have to go army? So another 2 and a half years more before I can finally study there. Sigh...

Its good to see God answering prayers... It really gives that boost in faith. Can almost hear God teasing, "I told you so!" Haha... She managed to clear her O's. Its good that she can finally move on. Its funny cos when she was with me she couldn't clear her papers. When she broke up with me then she managed to clear it. Coincidence? I really hope so. I've tried very hard to pray for her. Most of the time, my prayers turn into thoughts about her... Always have to 'pinch' myself to get out of it. By the way, please don't think that prayers are some chant or a phrase that you keep repeating. For me, a prayer is a conversation with God. A time to talk to Him like a friend and to tell Him everything thats troubling you. Just wanted to clear that up. :P

I just heard something from a friend. I'm in tears now... God has answered another prayer that I've been praying so long and hard for... You cannot possibly imagine what this means to me. Its a day of answered prayers.

Dear Lord... I'm speechless. Once again You have shown me how 'human' I am and how unimaginably magnificent You are. You work in ways I cannot even begin to fathom. I stand in awe of You wonderful ways of doing things. I praise and thank You for what You've done. It has been an encouragement to me as well. Lord, I ask that You'll use me to guide them. Let me be an example to them and let me be a light for You. Amen.

Its been an interesting day... Had lunch, 'char kway teow', at bedok hawker centre. I'm beginning to enjoy spending time by myself... I don't think I'm closing myself up. I still really enjoy time spent with friends. Its just that the thought of being alone isn't so scary anymore.

Met my dad at Bras Basah Complex to go Tecman with him. I was so lost in the countless books. Felt a slight thrill. Its the type of feeling I got when I was a little boy and going somewhere fun and exciting. I must have been quite a sight... A 20 year old blond-haired boy sitting cross-legged on the floor looking through bible study books. Anyway, I bought 4 books... going to go through them first. I bought a new pair of Vans shoes too... They're the same ones Phillip has, but I figure I'll never be seen with him outside. :P

Rushing a project now... Hafta figure out how to put the files together... Thanks to Ziig and Justin for the examples.
Something to read and think about...

FROM CHRISTIANITYTODAY.COM
"I'm a believer," Bono(U2 singer) usually says when asked about his faith. "I don't set myself up as any kind of 'Christian,' " he said as his gleaming silver and chrome tour bus motored east from Lincoln, Nebraska, to Iowa City. "I can't live up to that. It's something I aspire to, but I don't feel comfortable with that badge."
It's no denial of Christ. And Bono is not trying to play hide-and-seek with his Christianity. He wants to avoid becoming an idealized poster-child for Christ when people should be looking to the Savior, not some rock star, for their example.

::: Quote of the Day :::
"Be passionate about Jesus ... if you're truly on fire for Christ, your friends will come to watch you burn."

Good evening people... I've got a headache now... I think I pushed myself too hard during soccer... I think my days are too packed. Rushed home after school to book the court for soccer. Met Esther in the bus. I keep bumping into her these few days. Had a nice time chatting during the journey. Tomorrow I'll be doing my project for STMD. Then maybe I'll head downtown to look for materials for bible study. Maybe can look for shoes at peninsula plaza too...

Someone called me fickle-minded after reading my blog... Hmmm, I don't want to bother being defensive and argue about whether I am being fickle. I just have this to say... I'm going through a major change in my life... Ask anyone who has known me for 2 years or more. I'm different now... I've made a few mistakes along the way and I'm not proud of that... But I can tell you that I'm doing my best (with God's help) to change for the better. If this can be considered as fickle-minded... then so be it. By the way... Please please please PLEASE leave comments... I really want to know what you people think.

definition of Fickle (adjective)
Characterized by erratic changeableness or instability, especially with regard to affections or attachments; capricious.

I'm going to spend time with God now...

::: Lyric of the Day :::
Did you want me to change?
Well I changed for good
And I want you to know that you'll always get your way

So I look in your direction
But you pay me no attention
And you know how much I need you
But you never even see me

Good morning world... Just finished a lab test... I managed to create the tables, procedures and functions but I couldn't execute them... I hate ORDS I hate databases! :P

Woke up lamely this morning... I've been making it a point to thank God every morning when I wake up. This morning the words, 'Thank you, Jesus' barely made it past my lips. Dreamt about her yet again. I don't think about whether we'd ever get back together anymore. But it is lurking at the back of my mind waiting for something or someone to remind me of her. Its strange... I know nothing else can satisfy me as fully as when I'm spending time with God. But there's still something missing in between those times? Maybe its not having someone to hold? Not having someone to protect? Why did God create Eve if He could be everything to Adam? Adam had no other needs... Why did He give him a partner? Daryl, you think too much... But isn't it true? Its not good for man to be alone?

Alone... The word has a strange ring to it... loneliness. Lonely often connotes painful awareness of being alone. You can't be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. Its funny cos I feel less alone when I'm by myself and more lonely when there're lots of people around. Yes, yes... God is always with me... I won't forget that.

Shared with Lynette about my 2nd confirmation yesterday... She said that it was out of context. I read through it again. I thought it was quite relevant? About forgiveness? I dunno... It makes me sick to think that this could be a sub-conscious effort to get close to her again. Even to the point of imagining that God is telling me something. I dunno... I'll remain open though. I'm going to eat now.

::: Word of the Day :::
"alone"

Good evening people... There was a problem with blogger.com... They were doing maintanence for their servers.

Feel too lazy to update...

God, please be clear. Don't send different people to say different things.

Good evening... Just finished bathing. Today is what you might call a 'long' day where so many things happened... Let me just summarise. Woke up late for church today. Took a cab to church. Was only slightly late for the sermon. It was a good sermon by some caucasian guy. It was interesting. After his sermon, his wife came up to pray for the church. I think too be a pastor's wife, you need to be a powerful prayer warrior??? Hahaha... Most of the pastor's or speaker's wives that I know are prayer warriors? (Lyn: take note? hee.) Her words were like a blanket of love around my shoulders. I always forget what they say though... I saw quite a few people tearing.

Ordered pizza for lunch... Had band practice in church... I missed the church drums. Practice ended around 5:30... Rushed to meet the channel people at Park Mall's Fish & Co. for dinner... So many people!!! I think there were 17? Insane... hahaha. We were supposed to go watch a movie after dinner but ended up slacking in the arcade at Plaza Singapura. After that we walked to somerset and I had a mushroom swiss double meal... I've really been eating a lot these few weeks...I'm gonna be fat! YAY!

Last night I asked God about whether I should be the one talking to Eileen... I prayed till I fell asleep. I asked Him to give me 3 clear signs or confirmations... I've gotten one this morning in church? When the speaker talked about doing what is right for God even though it hurts. Please remember that I don't want to do it. I'd rather not get emotionally hurt again. Still need 2 more if God wants me to. My parents just went to pick Auntie Juling from the airport... Yay... My dashboard confessional T-shirts are coming!!! :P

::: Lyric of the Day :::
That's when I knew I could never have you
I knew that before you did
Still I'm the one who's stupid
And there's this burning
Like there's always been
I never been so alone
And I've never been so alive

Good evening people. Was having a cell group retreat in church so I couldn't update...
Good evening world... I'm in church rlght now & I'm writing this on my palm. Staying overnight in church. Had a wonderful worship just now. It felt good. I didn't plan for it to be so quiet? It felt more like a personal worship in my room rather than a cell worship. Could feel God's presence & love. Just wanted to linger forever.

Sigh... I'm starting to think of her agaln. Wish I could share everything I've learnt with her. There's 'love in the air' tomorrow. Dunno if i want to go. Its a question & answer session about Boy-Girl relationships. I think I know what to do & what not to do already. The only reason that I'll go is because its a cell event & I'm a cell intern.

I think I'll go to sleep before I start reminicing again.

I felt that the cell retreat was really good... Could see the effects of our effort already... Thats the joy of doing Gods work. If you just work towards the goal God sets for you, He'll definitely bless and use you to achieve great things for Him. I was surprised when the CG prayed for me. It was really unexpected. I felt really encouraged by them.

Andy updated me about Eileen's situation. He met up with her yesterday. Thank God that she wants to come back to God... Thats an answered prayer in itself. Felt really troubled about her situation though... Shared this with my parents just now... They suggest that I talk to her cos she trusts me? But I don't think I can because I'm still involved emotionally. I won't rule that possibility out though... I shall ask God about it. For the record, I don't really want to be involved again. Its painful.

::: Question of the Day :::
"Why?"

Good evening everyone... Just got back home. Jamming today was unbelievably lame... Cos there was no Fabian and no Shen. Fabian said he had projects to do so we got Lamer to cover again... But guess what!!! Shen decided not to come for jamming and he didn't tell us! We tried to call him but his handphone was off. *fume*

I managed not to think too much about her today... I mean, its been what 4 months already? People are getting frustrated that I still feel the pain? I don't blame them... I wouldn't like being around someone whose always so moody. Its not like I'm not trying... Its just that once in a while the emotions really hit hard and I'm left gasping and struggling again.

Didn't spend time with God yesterday and I have been doing things that are not pleasing to Him... Sickeningly human. I'm not going to go back to what I was. Going to spend time with God now... Need to ask for forgiveness. :P

::: Verse of the Day :::
"...offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." |Romans 12:1-2|

Good evening world... Today was filled with deep thinking. Had a lab test in the morning. I should be able to pass that.. School ended at 11... I took 15 to the Community centre to return 'A Grief Observed'... Had Burger King for lunch at Parkway... She messaged me to pray for America. So that war wouldn't happen. One of those mass messages... Sat alone reading and thinking for quite long. Wanted to do material for the retreat but didn't know how to start. I didn't look at the time. After that I wandered around parkway... Most of the shops reminded me of her. 'Charles and Keith', 'U2', 'The Body Shop' and even 'Isetan'... Almost everything reminds me of her.
Read some books at Life Bookshop... I was practically looking for the title, "How to make the pain go away"... Of course, there's no such book. There was one that caught my eye though... "She Said Yes" It was written by the mother of Cassie Bernall... The school girl who got killed in the Columbine School Shooting. The book included some stuff from her journal... It was really touching. I don't wish to die but I do hope that I'll be able to do something BIG for God...

I couldn't sleep last night because the fear came back... The panic attack started again. I was tossing and turning in bed. Spent I dunno how long crying out to God. I'm turning into a nutcase? Am I spending too much time thinking about her? Even though we're no longer together, I still think of her more often than I think of God... That can't be good can it? Whats so special about you? Thousands of people feel the pain of breaking up... Millions around the world are crying for one reason or another. What makes you different from the rest?

Lets just live one day at a time, one step at a time... God, accompany me as I stumble along.

Good evening people... I'm practicing the song "I Remember" on the guitar... Hopefully one day I'll get to perform it for her. I wish I had a nice voice like Matthew. hahaha... Was looking through some photographs just now... Found 2 photos that had her in them. :P
One was of her sleeping on my bed. She looked so contented. That was all I needed to make my day... The look of contentment. Or just a simple smile. I remember telling her this before. Her cheeks were so chubby and made her look like a little baby...
The other photo was of the CG at Gloria's house... That was the first time I met her. I was struck immediately by her straight-forwardness... She also gave me this feeling that she was trying to impress me. haha. Which reminds me of what Patricia said about her at the airport... Pat said she's been 'leading people on'? The trouble is where does the truth end and the lies start?

You know whats funny? She was always afraid that I might leave her for someone else or I might like another girl... I never did. She left me... Read what Jeshri said when she read my blog. Its good having people who understand but still... It doesn't bring her back.

My sister asked me today whether I want her back or I miss having someone... I said I wanted her back. Touching isn't it? So what if its touching? It doesn't make a difference because she probably won't know how I'm feeling or she can't be bothered... I'm glad that I'm not a short-tempered person by nature... I'm glad that I'm not angry at her. It might seem that I've been cheated or mistreated... But maybe its better to look at it this way. I've gained a relationship with God and He'll never cheat, lie or break his promises. I'm starting to repeat myself...

Eh... Guess what. One month has passed. YAY!!! I survived.

::: Quote of the Day :::
"Just remember you have others who love you very much, and appreciate you as a person."

Hey people!!! notice something different? You can now leave me a note by clicking on the words "speak your mind". Make sure you click on the correct post you want to comment on... :P So fun!!! hahaha....

Dunno what to write about anymore... I'm trying very hard not to think about her. But every girl that passes me by reminds me of her. I really don't wish to be trapped in my emotions again. Had lunch alone just now. My mind started wandering and I started wishing that she'd run back to me again. She'd run back to me and give me a big hug. I keep telling myself its foolishness... so I snap (ouch) out of it and back into the canteen. The noise is overwhelming...The bad thing about going through a crisis, is that the world moves on... People do come and encourage you, they uphold you in prayer. But the world moves on. Thats what Mervyn said too... His dad passed away quite suddenly. Although I don't feel the true extent of his pain. I understand what he means. Sometimes you'd just wish you could sit and stare at people rushing about without being disturbed... Without cares or responsibilities.

Oh joy... Eileen just came online. There's this sick feeling in my stomach... I don't want to get hurt again. I just messaged 'hi'... Think I'll log off now and go for my lab. Flee from temptation??

......................................................................................................................................
......................................................................................................................................
......................................................................................................................................
......... ok, I'll flee.

Good morning world... Had a mock lab test just now. I think the whole class couldn't do the test? Or most of us only finished half of it. The real test is next week... hope I'll be ready for that. Been having this strong urge to go jamming since yesterday... Can't wait for thursday. Going to eat now. Got lecture at 12...

::: Song of the Day :::
I got a confession to make that my heart would break
To hear you say goodbye
You're my every dream
You're the threadwork to my seams
And you know that I can't lie, when I say

I can't stop thinking about you
I can't stop thinking about how
My heart's empty without you

I just hate myself to think of you with someone else
To hear you say goodbye
I love you for who you are
No more, no less
And you know that I can't lie, when I say. . .

Evening... Going to spend time with God soon... Its been a long day. Wish I could sleep forever.

::: Quote of the Day :::
"The thing about emotional pain is that it never really goes away - the scars are always there and they never heal. Some of those scars are still raw."

Chester Bennington understands... But he's wrong about one thing... if they are scars, it means they've been healed already... if they never heal, they'd still be wounds. Just a thought.

Good afternoon world... Was on time for school today... Had 15 hours of peace yesterday. Slept from 5-ish to 8 this morning. Think I was physically, mentally and emotionally drained. I think maybe I've been thinking too much. Its come to this. Whenever I laugh at a joke, I wonder what I'm so happy about. I'm not trying to be a killjoy or stop myself from being happy. Its just that every thought that I have, ends up with her.

What is love if it can be forgotten, replaced or if it can change? It wouldn't be love anymore would it? But isn't that what the world believes in and is trying to convince us to do the same? "If my partner cannot or doesn't provide for my every need then I'll get a new one. I'll simply stop all feelings I have and go find someone more competent." Where's the commitment in love? Where's the love that 1 Corinthians 13 talks about?
Every romance movie I watch says you have to take action. Grab the situation by the neck and control your destiny. God tells me to sit still. Wait for something that I cannot see. I'm told that its the best for me. I haven't had any contact with her since that day. 11 Feb. God... It seems like so long. Its only been a week. I guess its better that we don't have any contact. At least I don't have to writhe in pain when I hear something I don't like... There's still a pain now but its something bearable which God can help me get through. Whoever is reading this, pray for me.

Gotta rush to class now... I'm 10 minutes late.

Good afternoon... Just got back from lunch after church. Church again was good... Didn't expect today to be another one of those emotional days. I mean I really felt ok... Felt alright yesterday and today... then when I started praying in the spirit... I felt so sad... This isn't supposed to happen? Its supposed to give me peace? I couldn't stop crying... tears just kept rolling... Auntie Swee Ai and Reverend Victor came to encourage and console me... I know all these things? Why can't the pain just stop? Why can't I just focus on living according to God's will? Why does the pain need to be here?

Didn't see Raymond, Jordan or Eileen in church... Raymond says he's attending a church nearer his hall. Cedric is doing well from what I see. He shared about the mission trip to Thailand during service. Dunno about the other 2. I can only hope and pray that she doesn't fall away from God. I really don't care about Jordan.

Read this verse a couple of days ago. I hafta give thanks... Don't think the devil would want me to do that... SO I SHALL PURPOSELY DO IT!!!! :P

::: Verse of the Day :::
"...and he who abstains, does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God." |Romans 14:6|

::: Song of the Day :::
Do you ever wonder where we would be if we'd have tried a little harder?
It seems like yesterday that we were making plans for the future
But it's been so long since I have known the truth
These dreams we've left abandoned
And I'm haunted by your face
And the memory of your kisses
Sweet kisses

Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcend space and time

These memories slip away
The ghost of what we were is fading
But there is no more pain
Which is funny 'cause that night I was dying
Now I don't even recognize the girl I swore that someday I would marry
But I can't forget her face and I can't forget her kisses
Sweet kisses

Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
Or how we swore that we would never be alone
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
'Cause I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcend space and time
Do you remember?
God I remember so much

::: Quote of the Day :::
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." |Jessica - age 8|

An 8 year old understands it... Why can't people more that twice that age not understand it? Is it so difficult to say 'No... I don't like you." or "Please stop disturbing me. I'm not interested"? I'm being reduced to a loaf of bread.

"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one." |Matthew 5:37|
"Above all, my brothers, do not swear--not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your "Yes" be yes, and your "No," no, or you will be condemned." |James 5:12|

You know what the trouble is? She's playing with me... She's toying with my feelings. One moment she says we're compatible, the next she claims, "Say only what! Its not like I promised..." Don't say things if you don't mean them! Please!!! Put yourself in my shoes!!! How would you feel if you were treated like this? Can you understand what I'm going through? The worst feeling is realising that 2 other guys probably feel the same way about her... Thats disgusting. And I'm being talked to like I'm one of them. I'm not one of them. I am NOT that immature. What they're feeling are things 14 year old school children are feeling. A part of me is dying... Don't say, "You have to let go..." I'm not holding on to anything. Its embedded in me... Its a part of me. Try uprooting a plant without affecting the ground around it...
Let me go if you don't love me... please...

I'm going home now...
God. It hurts.

I just have to think of other things... I have to grit my teeth and bear the pain... I have to stop wondering and thinking about her... There is a hollow feeling in my heart... Shouldn't God fill that emptiness? People have been encouraging me saying that I've changed for the better... They say its good that I'm honouring God in what I do... But why don't I feel different? I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle... Dare I say I'll never be as happy as when I was with her? Will there always be that vacuum inside? Sure! I'll do God's will... I'll honour God... No doubt about that... But will I ever have someone to love again? Can I love someone else the way I love her?

::: Lyric of the Day :::
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

End up wanting her back again. BLEAH...

Jamming was excellent just now... Seriously... Need some polishing up but it was killer... Maha and Matt blend well..! Maha screamed really well too!!! Dennis (the musicVox president) dropped by too. I felt so stressed when he came in cos he's a good drummer... Matt said I played better when he came in.. haha!!!

After jamming we went to the playground to slack... most of them left at 9-ish... I stayed till around 10:30. Recalled what we did on valentine's day the past 2 years... The memories were nice... Memories don't hurt anyone. Its the snapping back to reality that hurts...

It hasn't been easy... being valentine's day and everything... My mind is so bothersome. Its valentine's day... I'm alone... After two years of having someone to hold and love. Can't believe that she can just throw away everything that we've shared together. Well... Life's like that... dissatisfaction guarranteed! Except if you're living according to God's truth... I just have to pretend that it was all fake... I just hafta tell myself that those 2 years were an act. At least it'll be easier for me to carry out the promise. I'll tell myself she's not worth it. She's not worth fighting for. Its come down to this. Being caught between not caring and letting God care for me... Here's another thing that I have to learn...

Really tired now... Going to sleep soon. I got VERY worked up in the afternoon when I received the messages from Jordan. I was angry at him, at Eileen, and at the devil.. I was screaming into my pillow and crying out to God... When I make a promise to God, the devil comes and tries to get me involved again. I won't... If by doing this, I lose the chance to 'compete' and I lose her... then she probably isn't worth it anyway... If after 2 years I have to prove to her that I love her, if I still have to chase after her. Then I seriously doubt that she's worth the effort...

Be careful while you test the grounds, you may just find yourself sinking in quicksand...

::: Word of the Day :::
"acceptance"

Hah! The guy just messaged me telling me how he's liked Eileen for a month blah blah blah. Do you need my permission? Its not like you've been so innocent. You've gone out with her alone at night before! Trying to ease his conscience or something. Even threw in a verse... Hebrews 10:24-25...Which makes no sense at all... I don't get it. It doesn't mean anything to me. Good luck Eileen. Again it happens... I make a promise in the afternoon and something comes to test me now... Nice try! haha... I'm not falling for this...

It hurts but I consider it pure joy!! Ha! Take that!

::: Verse of the Day :::
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." |Romans 8:18|

Finished school... Gonna go home soon. Gonna rest a while... spend time with God then go jamming later... I think I'll go into a hole with God for the rest of the year (11 months)... I think thats what He wants? Need to protect my heart and emotions. This hole only concerns BG relationships so don't worry, I won't become anti-social... I haven't broken my 1 year promise, but I haven't totally protected my heart either... I'll be brutally honest, her thinking has changed... I wasn't sure at first but now I am... Maybe its confusion or whatever but the things she's done require her willingness in some areas... Its not like they forced her to do anything. Anyway, she has to get back to God if I consider her as a life partner. Thats the most important thing... Once that's done, everything else will fall in place...

Do I still love her...? YES.
Can I forgive her? YES.
Do I want her back? YES.
Will I go after her? NO.
Will I try to do something when I hear about/ see her with another guy? NO.
What if she messages me? I'll reply normally.
What if she calls me? I'll talk normally.

Its sad that I have to do this type of things to control myself... Well, the bible does say flee from temptation. Help me God...

Good afternoon world... Supposed to do my project 2 now but no motivation... Didn't bring earphones

Sick... I typed so much already then all my windows just closed... LAME!!!
I was talking about not caring anymore... I didn't do anything... She was the one who initiated it... she was the one messaging me about how she was reminded of last time... She was the one saying how compatible we are now... Why say all this and go with another guy? She says one thing and does another thing? Why do I still love her?Her words? Cannot be trusted? I dunno... God, if she is meant for me then do what you hafta do... I'm not going to care anymore...

Hafta go for next lesson... Going to update later.

Just got back home from the airport... The meeting ended at 6-ish... I started to feel moody near the end of the meeting... Feel quite bad for affecting them. Shared why I was feeling so moody and they prayed for me... Talked to Pat from one end of terminal 2 to the MRT station at the other end... Shared with her what I was afraid of.

I spent time with God from 7:30 to 9:30.. I could feel his presence, no doubt about that... But he wouldn't answer some of my questions... I wanted to know whether I should continue hoping or give up on her. I'm getting tired of this situation already. Feel like giving up on her... Maybe that would be good for me. Why should I care for her? If she wants to ruin her life, why should I even bother? She's soooo confused that it hurts me. Haha... Why do I love her? Its time to move on? Is it? Can I? Should I? God wouldn't tell me... I think I was speaking to Him in a rather disrespectful way at the airport... Because He ignored the question.

I think I'm like children playing hide-&-seek. They run to hide in a place where they cannot be found. After a few moments, they get bored and actually look for the seeker. I get restless after waiting a while and itch for some action... Thats why I get hurt again. Well... I'm very close to giving up... Its hardly been a month since I started the promise. Already there's so much drama. What have I learnt this month? Faith... Love... Truth... Trust... and Disappointment. The only thing I'm still lacking is patience.

Sigh... I just dropped my palm... The glass screen cracked and I can't select the buttons. Luckily I can still back up the info stored inside... Need a new palm.

Tears come just by reading the lyrics to to the song by Superchick. They're singing about God...

::: Lyric of the Day :::
Sometimes life brings more pain than we can bare alone
When hope is gone and I have no strength to stand on my own
When nothing helps there's nothing that I can do
You surround me and show me I belong to you

I belong to you
You're the one who will never let me down
Won't let me down
I belong to you

When love is gone there's no arms to run to anymore
I'm all alone there's no one for me to live for
Letting go of the things I've always clung to
That's when I need to feel that I belong to you

I dunno what to say now... Talked to her last night... She's confused I think... She doesn't know what she's doing. She thought I wasn't interested anymore. I shouldn't have told her what I felt... Adding to the confusion. Stupid me. Matt told me to trust God... I think I will... Something good is coming... Not by my own strength. Not with my own effort... I already did too much. Just hafta pray for her. Need to pray for myself too... Going to the airport soon. Need to spend sometime alone.

Matt suggested that I give her the URL for this blog... Let her know how I really feel. I don't know about that. I think I better not do anything without God again. It'll only get worse if I do. I think I might leave her alone for quite a while. Maybe she needs to learn by herself. Maybe God wants her to learn something and I keep interrupting. I dunno...

::: Lyric of the Day :::
You'll bruise their hearts, child.
You'll live their lives?
You'll fill their shoes, child?
You'll still be right?
You'll speak your words, child.
You're still naive.
You'll tell your lies, child.
They'll still believe.

All you've ever said about them, it was never right.
Has all you've learned here been forgotten? You're the perfect light?
Don't strain your head, child, thinking for them.
Don't place the blame, child. Your time will come.

Hey world... I've done all I can without breaking my promise... I'm done all I can without compromising... I've done all I can with my respect intact. The ball's in her court now...

GOD!!!!! What's going on?!??!?!

::: Lyric of the Day :::
There are times that I should try,
To be so much more alive
But if time was right then I would be with you again
Or do you worry that I try to avoid the point
And then deny
The time I spent deciding it was you again

I'm chatting with this guy who likes her... I'm advising him on how to leave everything to God. I don't want to teach him anything! I don't want him to feel God's peace!!! I want to be selfish. But I cannot do that... Deep inside, I know that this is the right thing to do. I know God will be proud. God, its killing me...

You silly boy... What were you thinking?
What did I do wrong? It wasn't like I was chasing her again right?
Really? Then why were you so upset?
Because she asked me to call early... Around 9 o'clock. I called around 9:30pm.. She was out
You believed her? You believed what she said?
Yes I did. Why shouldn't I?
Where was she?
She said she was at the movies. Asked whether can talk another day. Like I have a choice?
Good luck boy.

definition of Vicious Circle (noun)
A situation in which the apparent solution of one problem in a chain of circumstances creates a new problem and increases the difficulty of solving the original problem.

Good morning world... I'm in the ORDS labs now with this guy who keeps clicking his mouse button as if his life depended on it... Everyone else went for lecture. Don't think I'll go... I need to go to the toilet... But I'm too lazy to move.

Thinking of entering a poem into poetry.com... Just wanna see what my standard is... Hafta decide on one...

AIYAH!!! Forgot to pray for CG!!!

::: Poem of the Day :::
I loved you once, nor can this heart be quiet;
For it would seem that love still lingers there;
But do not you be further troubled by it;
I would in no wise hurt you, oh, my dear.

I loved you without hope, a mute offender;
What jealous pangs, what shy despairs I knew!
A love as deep as this, as true, as tender,
God grant another may yet offer you.
- Alexander Pushkin -

Actually I already logged off.. Was spending time with God. I just had to write down the experience that I had with God.. Had a wonderful worship with just 2 chords. Prayed before reading the bible. Ended of with a prayer... I was praying for many people then started praying in the spirit... My gosh. the peace, unspeakable... Continued to pray and a smile came to my face. Then i started grinning and even laughed. I had no idea what I was praying but the joy that came with it was indescribable. I know something good is coming... Tears came to my eyes again as it always does when I feel God's presence...

::: Verse of the Day :::
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. " |Romans 12:12|

Hey world... I've been sitting here in front of the computer since I came home at 3:45pm... Just watched another movie... Notting Hill. Really really good... I'm not crazy about Julia Roberts but she was excellent in this movie.

Want to talk to her right now... want to hear her voice again. Somethings wrong with my spirit... I think I need to go spend time with God now...
Here's another poem that I wrote 3 years ago

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Listen... Can you hear it?
Thats the sound of silence
When you're not around
The rhythm of my breathing
accentuates the emptiness around me
It grips my mind and tightens its hold
Constantly aware of how lonely I am

Even as the lights grow dim
And the night grows cold
The darkness creeps around me
It overcomes me and doesn't let go
The only thing that it doesn't control is my love for you
With my heart broken, mind blocked
My soul is the only thing still free

Why do I cry
till I feel myself dissolving in the tears?
As I remind myself of my greatest fears
There's no way I can love someone else
and deny myself....
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Good evening world... Just finished watching Legally Blonde... Its quite a stupid show but it has good values too! Its about this blonde (dumb) girl who got dumped by her boyfriend cos he was going to Law school and wanted a serious relationship. The blonde girl thought that she could be serious for him if she went to law school as well. Well to make a long story short, it turned out that she became a better lawyer than him and he did want her back. She didn't want him anymore because he was too shallow.

School wasn't too bad today... I think prayer helps. School's gonna get hectic soon. More projects coming and term tests around the corner.

I'm feel so empty...

Hey world... Manchester United almost lost to Manchester City just now. Luckily, the last minute goal was disallowed and they managed to get a draw. Its been a loooonnnnngggg day... Woke up at 7:55am to prepare for church. Had combined service today at 9am. Then had a 'church dialogue' session. It was for the church committee and the members of the church to talk things out, clear doubts etc. It was quite interesting.

During service today a strange thing happened... Me, Raymond and Jordan were sitting in the same pew... It was weird!!! Like some sort of 'I-like-Eileen' convention... :P hahaha! Anyway, she's looking more and more beautiful everytime I see her... :P I'm not kidding!

Went out with Matt and Nurul just now. Walked around Orchard alot... I went borders yet again. Bought The Rocking Horse Winner. Its a really good emo band with a female vocalist. She backed-up for dashboard confessional Soothing until mad! Went Heeren cos Nurul wanted to buy a top. I sat outside by the escalators to think... Reminded myself about keeping my promise to God... I was so tempted to just drop the promise. There's no doubt about what she's feeling now. I mean, the old Daryl would have just used his own means to try and win her heart back. But what kind of person would that make me? God kept ALL his promises to me and is this how I'm going to repay Him? I don't think so. I'll just have to continue trusting and claiming his promises cause greater things will happen!

::: Lyric of the Day :::
For too long, I've been thinking
Its time to move on, and I'm sinking
Again I can kiss, and I'm crawling from the abyss
I've been saving up for this...

I'm still in love
This disk will store my programmed treasures
Only thoughts now,
I can't erase my programmed treasures...

Going to sleep now... Its really late. Hafta go church early tomorrow. Combined service at 9am... :P Hope I'll be able to wake up... Felt really good today. Will update more later tonight...

Goodnight all...

Good evening world... I spent the whole day at home today. Wow... I'm such a slacker... Only did 5 things ever since I woke up. Read, use the com., watch TV, eat and go toilet. Watched smallville on my computer just now. Lana Lang is sooooo preetttyyy!!!! Reminds me of Eileen. I'm serious! Also watched some romantic show... [Eileen just messaged me...] starring Jennifer Lopez.. dunno what its called...

Looked through one of my old exercise books where I wrote poems... Wrote them when I was in secondary school... 3+ years ago... Read some poems and was surprised that some of them apply to my situation now... Here's one...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Falling Down

I fell down on my knees and cried
as a part inside me died
I cannot pretend nothing is wrong and lie
when you are about to say goodbye

I'll never let you go
I'll never turn away
If I had a choice, I'd never be gone
If it was my choice, Our love would go on

You say the pain that I feel will go away
but it won't, thats what I say
You've changed me and I'll never return
You're leaving and what have I learnt?

Do I mean nothing to you?
Is there nothing we can do?
to get back together as before?
to be together once more?

If you knew how precious you are to me
If you ever thought about my feelings
You would have understood and known
Why I'm down on my knees to cry
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Gosh... I'm back where I started 3 years ago... But now I have God beside me... At least with Him, I can move forward and not move in circles anymore. Eileen messaged me... Should I reply? Should I call her? I want to, I want to, I want to. God... how?

Good afternoon world... Woke up about 45 mins ago. Feeling quite down... Cedric messaged me last night at 1 plus to read Psalms 42 & 43... I'd read it before but its always good to be reminded.

Valentine's Day is coming... Its on the TV, in the newspapers, on the internet and on everyone's lips. Its getting under my skin. I want to do something for her but I don't to step out of under God's hand. Spending money won't be a problem because I still have Chinese New Year angpows to fall back on. Just don't want to do it if God doesn't give me the 'go ahead'. Anyway, I already have in mind what I want to do. I want to get 3 roses. 2 red ones and one white one. The red roses symbolising the two of us and the white one symbolising God. Kinda cheesy if you think about it. But its the truth. I've always wanted to serve God together with her. Its just that I couldn't get my priorities right.

Why is it people can't do things right the first time round? Why do they have to fall before realising their wrong? Will I get a second chance? Will God use us to show what a relationship based on Him can do? I think maybe God wants me to work on my life and putting Him first in my own life before I can be mature enough to put Him first in a relationship. The question is.... A relationship with whom?

::: Lyric of the Day :::
God I feel so useless
God I hate myself
When I try to get over you
I hate myself
Will I ever get over you

Sometimes it hurts
So much to lose the one you love
Sometimes it hurts
So much to lose the one you love

::: Verse of the Day :::
"But who are you, O man, to talk back to God?
Shall what is formed say to Him who formed it,
'Why did you make me like this?' " |Romans 9:20|

Evening again... I just noticed something weird... Its always when you decide to give up something when that something comes to tempt you. I dunno how to explain it. Didn't feel sad the whole day till just now when I was walking back home. It was like I wanted to think about her. I wanted to feel sad about losing her. I wanted to feel the pain of missing her again. Why? I didn't dwell in it for too long though. Whispered a prayer.
I wonder what she's doing right now?

Had jamming from 5-7... We're working on some new songs and encountered lotsa problems... Should be able to solve them if we work on them.

::: Word of the Day :::
"torn"

Good evening world... Today was a strange day. Met Matt after school for lunch then slacked around kembangan... Talked about lotsa band stuff... Going jamming tomorrow. He's really serious about the band which is good... Slacked around and waited for Nurul to join us in our slacking mission. Lol...

Went to church for a bible study just now... Never felt so excited to attend bible study before. Somethings strange... hahaha.

Haven't felt depressed ever since last night's QT... Somethings strange! Praise God.

Hey world... Its kinda late now. I've gotta go to bed soon. Read through some of the emails that Eileen sent me when we were together... She really did love me i guess. I have to give her credit for initiating the break-up. She's a strong brave girl. I'm praying that she doesn't lose the love for God.

I WILL NOT FEEL SAD... I will rejoice because God has a wonderful plan for my life. I will praise God even when it doesn't seem like things will work out! I will smile even when I feel like crying because of God's promises to me. Am I foolish? Maybe... But I love God and God loves me. He won't do anything to hurt me. Believe it Daryl!!! Stop worrying! Stop fussing! Stop whining! Its not going to make a difference even if you do that! Wake up! Stop wallowing in the dirt. Get up you fool! I will NOT doubt. I will exercise faith.

I think I pulled my hamstring during soccer... feels really tight now. I like the 'pain'. Actually its not really pain... Its more of an ache. Feels good to be alive. I missed an open goal just now... lame right? Gonna do QT and go to bed... Goodnight.

::: Quote of the Day :::
"Seems to me that she is confused. Whatever it is, you can't hold too much hope in this."

Evening world... I'm still in school. 5 hours straight spent in front of a computer... I'm starting to drool and become stupid.. hahaha... Going for soccer later. At least it'll take my mind off her.

I've made up my mind to have faith that God will give me the desires of my heart. I'm just gonna trust Him that we'll get back together someday. I'm not gonna swim around in confusion anymore. Enough of wondering whether she'll still love me or she even cares. Enough of worrying. Enough of hoping for a sign or some kind of response. ENOUGH!!!!

I'm putting my trust in Him... He'll make a way. And I'm not gonna change my mind no matter what people say... I'm not going to change my mind till He tells me something... I've asked Him over and over whether she'll come back. His reply is always, "Trust Me." Well, I will trust Him... I'm trusting Him in this way. I will NOT feel disappointed when things seem to go wrong. I will NOT doubt Him. I will NOT be overcome by darkness. I'm gonna claim the promises that I've heard from Him. If they're wrong, He'll tell me. If my dad was wrong, He'll tell him... I'm just going to believe. Praise God for His blessings! Thank God for His provision.

Hey world.. I'm in school now... Dreaded Tuesdays. Just finished my lab. Sitting in the lab now freezing. My hands are numb... :P Had a nice talk with my mom last night from 12 to 1:30am... Told her what I was afraid of and everything... Got a lot of encouragement. I think thats what I need... Encouragement to keep me going, to remind me that I'm doing the right thing... When every cell in my body screams for action, I need people to tell me to calm down and leave it to God... Not that I don't know. Just need reminders...

Gonna go grab something to eat now... Have 2 hours of lectures later.

Hey world... Everyone just left. The house seems so quiet now.

She didn't come... I guess thats good in a way. It would have been awkward. She could have smsed me though.

Hafta go back to school tomorrow. I really don't look foward to going.

Just now I had a nice worship in my room before everyone came. Gonna run back to God now...

::: Lyric of the Day :::
Lord, I'm in the dark,
Seems to me the line is dead when I come calling.
No one there, the sky is falling;

Lord, I need to know.
My mind is playing games again,
You're right where You have always been.

Tell me I'm a fool,
Tell me that You love me for the fool I am,
And comfort me like only You can,
I will rest in You

Good afternoon... I just woke up a half an hour ago. Slept for 9 hours. Haven't had such a wonderful sleep in 2 months... :P Gonna have friends over for CNY visitation later... I think more than 15 people coming. CG and secondary school friends. Hope there's enough food... I invited her as well... She said she might come depending on how the her CG's visitation goes. I hope that it won't be awkward for her. A part of me doesn't want her to come cos I'm afraid of the reception she'll get from the others. But then again, I want to see her again... But then again, I shouldn't. Whatever... I've already invited her.

Really hope everything goes well later.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
It's always times like these when I think of you
And I wonder if you ever think of me
'Cause everything's so wrong And I don't belong
Living in your Precious memories

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
It gets harder each day
To try to forget about her
Everyday, new old memories come
but I should not be in want

A raging battle in my mind
I should have the victory
Why does it feel like I'm losing
If I've already won?

Why do sometimes I feel so lonely,
If God is supposed to be with me?
It is not good for the man to be alone.
So where my partner?

I want to let go of these
jagged-edged emotions but
they hurt when I try to
pull them out of the wounds.

I won't lie and say that I'm feeling fine
I really wish that she was mine
again, and another area
that I want to focus on...

The days look so dull and gray
I look forward to nothing at all
except the times
where I spend with God...

Is this unavoidable?
Does this mistake never let go?
my plans are shattered,
and so are the desires of my heart.

If to err is human
then why do I suffer for it?
Lord, justify my pain... Use me mightily.
Don't let me suffer in vain...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Evening people... Just got back from CNY visitation. Visited 2 homes only but already got $100++... :) Felt quite sad just now, but it wasn't the old sadness. It was different. More like a lonely feeling... Maybe cos she never came with me for CNY visitations the last 2 years. She always went to visit her relatives in Malaysia.

Watched The Two Towers in the afternoon... Again brought back memories... The times where we would sit on the couch watching movies and she would cuddle up to me. It actually made me smile when I thought about it. I remember one of the best things I loved about her were her facial expressions. She could give looks which REALLY showed how she was feeling. The happy look(where she'd show her teeth.. :P) The sad, doeful look(I was always a sucker for that. haha). And the one that I was extremely afraid of, the angry, pissed off look. That was the killer. My favourite was her natural look... Where she'd just be concentrating on something or occupied with something... Always felt like kissing her when she had that look. Haha. So many memories...

Gonna spend some time with God now... Need Him so that I won't fall back into 'depressive' mode...

::: Lyric of the Day :::
If I only had the words to tell you, If you only had the time to understand
Though I know it wouldn't change your feelings, and I know you'll carry on the best you can.

If I only had the urge to tell you, If you only knew how hard it is to say
When the simple lines have all been taken, and the radio repeats them ev'ry day.

If I only had the words to tell you, If you only had the time to understand
But I only have these arms to hold you, and it's all that you can ask of any man.

Its Chinese New Year... Memories start flooding in again. Spent quite a while reading the bible just now... Read through Matt 6:25-34... Had a realisation. When Jesus said 'do not worry about your life...' It isn't advice... It's more like a command. God wants me to let go. He wants me to live by faith. He wants me. I'm very sure He wants me to commit this to Him. He didn't answer on whether she'll be coming back or not. I guess this is what you can call a lesson in faith... Let me put it this way... Its the only way I'll have a chance in getting her back.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
This is what I am... This is me.
I don't have much to offer. What you get is what you see.
I'm no longer the same. I'm not who I used to be.
I'm a new creation. I was captive but now I'm free

I can provide a shoulder, for you to cry on.
I can give you a listening ear, to understand your troubles.
I can give you a hug, if words aren't enough.
I could be the one, to make you laugh.

I can be the one, you walk through life with.
I could be the one, to take care of you.
I can be a friend, to be there for you.
I can give you love, pure and simple and true.

I can promise that I'll love you always, and I'll always be there for you.
I promise we'll serve the Lord together in everything we do.
If you don't mind these simple gifts. There're only two things I ask of you.
Stay close to God and seek His will, for what He wants you to do.

And wait for me too.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-